Something in the same style as the “X reasons for why Y thinks you’re Z” websites. Have fun! :-)
So you like your freedom, not having to ask the significant other if it’s okay to grab a beer with colleagues after work, or see a chess tournament held in the middle of a monster truck battle with friends.
Maybe you’re just way too ugly to poke with a long stick or you haven’t found someone whom you didn’t think of as stereotypical nice personality so let’s stay friends and preferably long distance.
Or maybe you’re waiting for that cutie at school to come of age to ask them to go steady you sicko pervert, either way you still find yourself in the line at the supermarket with your choice of single serving portions of frozen food every day.
But isn’t it great that they make things convenient for single people like that?
Yeah, really convenient to only have processed food with large writing on it to let everyone else around you know you go home alone to eat your sad lonely dinner in front of your sad lonely TV watching series with people happily getting together.
They don’t even give the same discounts they do with specials for two.
The fact is the world hates you for being single and here’s the reasons why;
1) The government hates you
Just look at all the tax breaks you get when you’re officially affiliated with another. Being married is even better than a living together agreement, but still.
Not only do you need to spend less money on utilities when you’re together, after all, it’s not like the light suddenly uses up more electricity when there’s two in the room, or the stove uses twice as much gas cooking for two, or the heater thinks the room temperature is set per person, but you get to set aside more money and can increase deductions like charity, write off expenses that the spouse can’t use, lower your income before tax when the spouse has a lower income.
So, not only do you need to spend almost just as much money on these daily things, you don’t get a break for having to pay it on your own.
2) Lotteries, raffles and contests hate you
How many times have you seen a chance to win a dream holiday at some raffle or show and thought you’d like to participate in it, then see it’s always a prize for two people or the family?
Hello!? Can I not get a prize like that just for myself? Why do I have to first think about who I’d have to take with me if I win? My mother? Just write sissyboy with permanent marker on my forehead will you? My father? Great way to lure the ladies with a grumpy old coot. A friend? We’re not that kind of friends mister.
And even if you feel like going alone there’s always the nagging doubt everyone will think you’re just a sad loser who couldn’t get anyone to join you at a weekend at the spa or the week at a resort hotel.
Speaking of which…
3) Tourism hates you
So you’d like to book a nice weekend away at the coast or in the snowy mountains to get away from the depressing emptiness at home and get a breath of fresh air that’s not bought in a can for use at the toilet.
You peruse the various hotels listed on so many cheap offer websites, making difficult choices on where to go, then find that perfect cozy little place just outside of town but conveniently close to everything you have here just around the corner. The room looks comfortable, the local menu is great, you select the date, select single person, and see the price go up. WTF!?
Either the tourism industry has a long history of every single traveler going rockstar in their rooms, or they’re the sadists they are and take out their frustration from dealing with drunken foreigners by causing further psychological damage to vulnerable singles.
Yes, we do use the bathroom, but we don’t take twice the dumps or use two towels every time we take a shower. The room and bed don’t have to be as large as for two, so why do we have to pay for two and a half when we’re just one? We re not legion.
Sure, you get those special single holiday offers, except you’re not alone then. You’re stuck in a group because god forbid you have a single running around alone. And because these are offers with no extra cost you just know you’ll get stuck with a bedbunk in a broom closet.
4) Non-singles hate you
All right, there’s a get-together with friends and you have the time so you plan to have a fun evening. Your happy-go-lucky attached friends are planning on ruining it for you by inviting their other single friend to hook you up, sucker!
People who have found someone to cling to automatically expect everyone else to be like them. Your parents nag you why you’re not married yet at every birthday, which they think is part of the parenting guidelines and you learned to ignore, but any other couple thinks they also got a license to meddle the moment they stuck their lips together.
They introduce you to this nice person who’d just be perfect for you (because they know you and your nighttime fetishes a lot better than you do) and expect you to be grateful for awkwardly having to interact with someone who you have no interest in at all. You just wanted to burp the alphabet with your mates tonight!
So next time you just make up an excuse not to go, like having to stay late at work to finish some things. Which isn’t always an excuse because..
5) The company hates you
You know those holidays where everyone has fun with the family but someone has to be on standby for the clients? Yes, those are the same days you spend at the stuffy office alone with customers complaining about insignificant things because they have nothing better to do that day.
You can’t expect Mary to stay at the office, she has a date with her boyfriend. Heinz will be taking his wife and the kids to the waterpark full of biological hazards, the boss promised his wife he’d finally paint the door to the shed today. You’re single, you have nothing better to do on holidays. You can’t even take your long holiday during the season because that’s the only time the other can take theirs, what with the kids and all.
So you spend your day goofing off as much as you can for revenge, putting every phone on hold, rummage through any open drawer and testing your lockpicking skills on every closed one. See if you can get the vending machines to spill out soda and snacks for free with the instructions you found on the internet, take a whiz in the carefully maintained potted plants brightening the boardroom and read through all the personal emails from anyone who didn’t shut down or unlocked their computers.
Let them have fun now, you will have yours in the days to come.